This is #2 in a series of 40 things you can do to stay married for 40 years.
We all learn from experience, and that’s a good thing. If something causes you pain, you learn to avoid it. Like touching a hot stove. But when you are having a bad day, do you go into your kitchen and confront the stove. Do you glare at it and say, “Remember last Thanksgiving when you burned my wrist you piece of stainless steel crap?”
It’s just about as useful to hang onto hurts from our spouses, especially if the hurt was unintentional. Does it really help any situation to remind your husband of the time you caught him looking at another woman at a party in 2009? Does it really help any situation to remind your wife about that time she burned the pot roast when your parents were coming over for dinner in 2005?
If you stop collecting these little hurts in your quiver, you take away the ability to nock them in the bow and shoot them at your partner. You also avoid collecting them into two more deadly weapons, always and never. No husband wants to hear, “You’re always looking at other women.” No wife wants to hear, “You always burn the roast.” Or how about, “You never help me with the housework!” Or, “You never show me any appreciation!” or “You always make us late!”
If you catch yourself using always or never, take a step back and check the accuracy.
Clearly there are times when repeated behaviors need to be addressed. If your spouse goes to Happy Hour with their co-workers two or three nights a week and comes home drunk, that’s a problem. If your spouse constantly charges hundreds of dollars on the credit card without telling you, that’s a problem.
Address current problems in the present at an appropriate time. (Don’t bring up the credit card bill at 10:30 at night when you’re both exhausted.)
Leave past incidents in the past. No one is perfect, and no one needs past mistakes waved in their face. Like, “Ha ha! You always forget to take out the garbage. And remember that time I caught you looking at another woman?” Or, “Remember Biff and Nancy are coming over for dinner this weekend. I sure hope you’re not planning on making pot roast because you always burn it.”
I love this quote from Maya Angelou. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Give your spouse the space to make this happen.
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